Touhoumon
by Sweet Kagamine Kiss
Summary: One day lurking the internet while being lazy in Yukari's living room, a Pokémon parody of them (the citizens of Gensōkyō) was discovered (then downloaded in order to play). Yukari later on is introduced to Grand Theft Auto V.


**Touhoumon**

**Disclaimer:** Pokémon and everything about it is owned by The Pokémon Company and Satoshi Tajiri, while ZUN and Team Shanghai Alice are the owner/creator of the world of Touhou Project and all of its official characters, locations, history, concepts, and etcetera. I don't own anything else mentioned in cameos or references like YouTube channels and their hosts, music, video games, mangas, anime, TV shows, movies, wrestling, and etcetera. All I own is this idea of an odd crossover parodying Touhoumon, and my original character Sekai Ishtal.

**Author's Note:** This particular slice of the story's universe is firmly within Touhou and will not feature Gin Ichimaru from Bleach, even though the plot itself is a half-crossover with Pokémon. Of course, this particular plot is within Universe A, while Universe B (B for "Bleach") would be the crossover side with Tite Kubo's manga series. Regardless of whatever universe the Touhou Profile of Sekai Ishtal is in, Kurohime will still be regarded as a Zanpakutō.

* * *

It's close to spring. It's March right now and the Americans are having their odd late-winter blizzards here and there across their country. And of course it's only two weeks until Wrestlemania XXXI and the world witnesses Roman Reigns versus Brock Lesnar for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship. Sekai and Yukari plan to leave Gensōkyō, pose as normal humans, and attend the WWE event. But that's not for two weeks from now.

Right now, winter was beginning to show its last days in this beautiful and hidden land of mythical fantasy. Lazy in the living room of the Yakumo House, there's a kotatsu in the living room in use, and an elf-eared yōkai being lazy hunched over the table top as he sat comfortably on a soft pillow placed under his butt with a smaller pillow giving softness support for his arms.

In front of him was an HP-brand Windows 8 laptop, recently upgraded/updated since Microsoft killed all support for Windows XP (the most trusted operating system ever created). "So bored," he mutters, as the music of a song he was listening to faded off into silence, only to soon start playing the next song on Winamp Player: _Septette for the Dead Princess_ by ARA (from _Charisma Lash Type-R_).

Earlier, he had been playing some doujin PC game called _Rosenkreuz Stilette_, but after losing several times half-way into the game he quit. Now, he's listening to symphony orchestra-themed doujin music, surfing aimlessly through the internet while dodging spam pop-ups; the pop-up blocker wasn't working again (damn McAfee).

None of the followed fanfiction stories he's been tracking hasn't been updated in two months. There was nothing news-worthy regarding some of his favorite mangas and anime. There was no new Vocaloid albums released. And some of his favorite YouTube channels he followed (three of them being VanossGaming, MiniLadd, and H2O Delirious) haven't been making any funny GTA 5 or GMod vids in awhile.

Although he wished he hadn't watch that old video of Weekly Weird News from Machinima (the video being dated back to January 28, 2015) regarding adult novelty toys and the word foot being used in the same sentence; watching it and discovering that, yes, this sick fetish for sick perverts was a reality in the world made him lose hope for humanity.

"Why are you bored for? It's chilly to go outside and you're by a kotatsu," said Yukari, sitting down opposite of him at the kotatsu.

"Nothing much to do today here, in the real world, or online, and I'm losing hope for humanity after I saw this video on YouTube."

"What video?" the Gap Yōkai questions the elf.

"Come here, I'll show you."

Yukari crawls over to Sekai's side and cozies up beside him, as the 400+ years old elf yōkai who has the eternal youthful appearance of a 20 year old human male brought up the Google Search, and types in the title for the video he saw on Machinima's channel. Sekai replayed the clip after clicking the link again via Google Search, after he of course hit the stop button on his Winamp Player on the desktop. About two minutes into the clip, the video was paused. The elf yōkai then looks to gauge Yukari's reaction.

"... What?" she finally manages to say, staring at the paused video displayed on the laptop.

"Yeah, it's scary to know how there are sick fetishes like this in existence in the Outside World," Sekai commented, shaking his head at the bizarrely strangeness of the old video clip.

"Yeah, you're right... I'd lose hope for the humans, too," Yukari said, as she looks away, wanting to forget this.

Sekai closed the window that had the video in it.

"So, you're up."

"Of course I'm up. You thought I was taking a nap?"

"Yeah. The last time though when you took a nap, we had an incident Reimu and Marisa solved and you were late in the very end."

She waves her hand in dismissal.

"At least I haven't de-aged into my loli form again when I woke up this morning. Then again, you would like that, would you?"

"Stop calling me a pervert, Yukari," Sekai said.

She smiles, running a hand along his left leg in a caressing manner.

"I'm kind of tired of playing the same Game Boy game for the past decade. Could you get me this PlayStation Network ID?"

Sekai ignores her flirty hand as he goes to Sony Network and starts the process to get Yukari a PSN ID.

"Oh, and this is my email," she says, grabbing pen and paper via a gap and writes down the info.

"Huh, didn't think you'd have an email, Yu-chan."

"I often venture to the Outside, Sekai. Of course I'll keep blended with the humans if I ever leave my house," she tells him, watching him insert her email address in the sign up page. She of course created the password for the PlayStation Network account when Sekai briefly looks away.

Eventually, after registration, Sekai got the perfect PSN ID for her: Yokai_from_a_Gap.

(Author's Quick Note: This gamer tag does not really exist in the real world... or if it does, then it's a coincidence.)

"Well, guess I can finally start trying out that Grand Theft Auto game you love so much," she says with a smirk.

And just for the hell of it, Sekai registered Yukari for her own Xbox Gamer Tag.

"Ever just did random searches and find something you never expect to find?"

"Oh? Like what, Yukari?"

She smiles and slinks back to her spot opposite of Sekai by the kotatsu, and she lazily lays her head down on the cloth-covered table top.

"I dunno."

He rolls his eyes. He decides to lurk YouTube for awhile more, random searches of Vocaloid songs, GMod videos of Five Nights at Freddy's, and gaming videos. It was a quiet (somewhat quiet) thirteen minutes, with Yukari flipping through random channels on the TV, and Sekai doing whatever. Ran wasn't home right now, and they haven't heard the usual childish-like antics of Chen and her horde of stray cats she picks up every single day.

Then Sekai clicked on a video that caught his attention.

"Yukari, take a look at this."

She gazes at him, before looking over his shoulder; she stuck herself through a gap so she didn't have to move an inch from her comfortable spot.

"Touhoumon?" she reads the hiragana-script title of the YouTube clip.

The animation of the graphics in the video and the game-like music playing reminded the two of the recent remakes of the older-gen Pokémon titles, namely for this video they are reminded of Pokémon FireRed and LeafGreen. And yes, that was a game sprite animated Reimu and Marisa battling each other in Pokémon fashion.

"What in the world is this?"

"I have no clue. I clicked a random video link and I find this," he answered, still staring at the video.

"Look up more of this. Maybe this is something weird from the human world," Yukari tells the elf.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll Google it up."

And he does indeed Google the name Touhoumon...

Then he downloads.

=0=0=0=0=0=

Days later, it is somehow reported that Sekai had discovered new human video gaming titles, and everybody in Gensōkyō pondered upon it when it went public that the games were based on every citizen living in Gensōkyō. Yeah, it started a bit of a weird gaming craze. Then it started an incident, solved by Reimu like always. Sadly, no one knew whose idea was it to use them as game characters and that individual was never located.

"C'mon, I need a Miku! Trade with me, Sekai!" Marisa bemoans in a pleading tone, and trying to look sexy for the elf yōkai.

It was helping, as Marisa was sneaking him glances at her panties under her usual dress. But Sekai was steadfast not to fall for her (sexy) tricks.

"Sorry, Mari, but Miku will not be traded. And no, before you ask, I'm not giving away my Reimu Bonéka, either."

The real Reimu face palmed. She still was not interested in this game and the handheld console it belonged to.

"Could you stop talking like I'm some random bit of property? And Marisa, stop flashing the elf! I don't want to see you two have sex on my front patio..."

Marisa looks to Reimu. "Well, I did offer to turn it into a threesome last month. You blushed and hid inside the house."

"And I never knew you were a horny slut, Marisa," Reimu stated.

"Well, Sekai is one of the only two guys that we know. And Rinnosuke is a bit of a dirty old man perv. Sekai's younger in appearance to Rinnosuke. Besides, Rei, I bet you wouldn't mind if it was Sekai who helped expand the Hakurei Bloodline later on when we're much older."

Reimu face palmed.

"And get killed by Remilia because I'm stealing her boyfriend/butler?"

"Well... Sekai can be considered Gensōkyō's sex toy."

Sekai clears his throat. "Excuse me, I'm sitting right here!"

The two girls ignored the elf.

Now, any other pervert would love to be the go-to person for hot love-making for a large group of hot girls. Sekai knew the dark truth to this, however. It's not as awesome as it would sound like.

=0=0=0=0=

Somewhere in Japan, Issei Hyōdō sneezed.

"You okay? You're not catching a cold, are you?" asks a concerned Rias Gremory, handing Issei a tissue.

"Someone's mocking what it means to be the Harem King..."

"Pervert," Koneko said in her usual quiet manner.

=0=0=0=0=

"Wait. What were we doing again?"

"You wanted my super rare Miku and fully-evolved Reimu Bonéka," said Sekai.

It was now getting hard to ignore his lusting for Marisa.

"Oh, right! Please Sekai? I'll do anything," she pleaded, returning full force to flirting/begging.

Sekai sighs wearily.

Why did he have to discover Touhoumon on the internet?

Suddenly, multiple extending arms reach and grapple Sekai and yank him away from Marisa.

"HEY!" the black-white witch shouted in anger, as the arms retract, revealing the culprit to be Nitori.

"Sorry! I need him for a couple hours!"

And she runs away.

"Get back here you bitch!" Marisa shouted, giving chase on her flying magical broom.

Reimu finally sighs in relief.

"Peace and quiet at last..."

"Hello, Reimu-chan~" Yukari's voice cheerfully filtered into her ears.

She jumped back in shock.

There was Yukari, playing Touhoumon on her Nintendo DS.

"You should really try out this video game, Reimu." Yukari gives Reimu a sweet smile.

The shrine maiden gives such a dark glare at Yukari for ruining her moment of peace.

* * *

"**Let's all go and play some Touhoumon!"**

"**Do we even have enough computers for this?"**

"**We can have the kappa build some if we run out of PCs."**

"**What?"**

"**What? You think most humans are tech-savvy in Japan? The computer repair people you would meet are really kappa in human disguises. It's a way for them to make some money in the human economy from time to time."**

**And then it hit me: Is Yukari telling the truth or was she just yanking my chain again?**

* * *

**FOUR WEEKS LATER**

"What the hell?"

Yukari was playing Grand Theft Auto V on his XBox One, and she was in a game lobby with certain players. Players with familiar voices...

She looks to the elf. "What, Sekai?"

"How did you get a play invite with Vanoss and his friends?"

"I'm sexy, beautiful, and awesome," she replies.

She was wearing a Bluetooth headset so she was heard, and the approval of her comment was echoed by the guys she was in an invite-only lobby with.

Can someone say jealous?

=0=0=0=0=

"I'm here! Finally here... shit..."

A man panted as he ran up to a group of guys that looked like they belong in Arkham Asylum.

One guy wore a blue hoodie with dark pants and dark shoes (or boots, maybe). He wore creepy clown make-up behind a cheap knock-off of Jason Voorhees' hockey mask. Another wore a red luxury suit with white shirt and red tie, black oxfords, and for some reason enjoys pretending to be an owl. Another was a younger teenager with a monkey head smoking a cigar in red hoodie shorts combo; another wore dark cargos, green buttoned flannel shirt and had a nice tan complexion. The other wore tight-as-hell beach shorts, no shirt, and has a green monkey head. And we have a guy with a pig's head wearing a bike helmet. There were others but these others wore luxury-designed suits.

The only woman of their group wore a purple biker jacket, white shorts, purple boots, and had long blonde hair. Now considering it's impossible to have long hair for female characters past the waist, Yukari likely glitched her character or hacked it. And Rockstar has yet to terminate her character for this oversight. Now for the new arrival he wore blue pants, navy boots (that really looked like they were a bluish purple with bright purple soles), a white tank top that had the image of Vinyl Scratch printed on the front of the shirt, and a white hoodie. His hair was dark, in a high-end slickened comb style, and wore the light blue beat-off headphones on his head.

Yes, he had the dub step-loving pony Vinyl Scratch on his shirt. He was a fan of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

"Oh, is that a pony on your shirt?" questioned Lui, seeing Vinyl Scratch on Sekai's shirt partly see through the unzipped hoodie.

"Yeah, I'm part of the Triad Ponies. So, I had to go all the way into Tokyo, buy myself an additional XBox One, which means I'm likely one of the few with double the same console, take my TV from the bedroom, and bring home a second copy of Grand Theft Auto V for the XB1."

"Wait, you live in Japan?" asks Delirious.

"Sekai and I both live in Japan," Yukari answers. "Really, his job is being a butler for a girl by the name Remilia. He tends to mooch around my house from time to time when he's not obeying Remilia's every beck and whim like a love struck teenager."

Sekai does a face palm motion. "You make it sound like I wish she would order me to have sex with her and I would obey her and make her world rock hard."

"You said it, not me," said Yukari, as her facial expression turns smug.

Sekai sighs. "Well... whatever..."

"That was weird," said Wild Cat.

"Any-hoo, after installing part of the disc data onto the hard drive, completing the Prologue, and then connecting my Rockstar Social Club ID to the second XB1, I finally got my ass online and made sure I still had everything since I made my move. Or at least everything I had of my XBox Avatar. My PlayStation Avatar is close to Rank 80. I'm currently in the mid 40s on XBox."

"Strange how we're ignoring the _I wish I can bang her_ comment," the off-color commentary is heard via VanossGaming.

Sekai then turns to look at Yukari.

"So, what should we do first?"

Yukari's answer is to magically spawn an RPG, aim to the ground, and pull the trigger.

BOOM!

(Surprise motherfucker!)

In the real world, on Sekai's TV screen that hung above the other flat screen LCD, the following text displays on the HUD.

_Yukari-sama murdered you.  
Yukari-sama exploded Vanoss.  
Yukari-sama destroyed H2O Delirious.  
Yukari-sama owned Mini Ladd.  
Yukari-sama brutalized Daithi de Nogla.  
Yukari-sama dropped Lui Calibre.  
Yukari-sama killed BasicallyIDoWrk.  
Yukari-sama killed Terroriser.  
Yukari-sama owned I AM WILD CAT._

Sekai looks at Yukari, sitting across from him on her couch.

"Fuck you, Yukari," he says in a rather calm tone.

She smirked. "I thought it was funny. You take all this time, installing data, re-linking your Rockstar Social Club ID to the second XBox, and then finally get invited by me after going through your trials, and I blow us all up."

"That was such a dick move, and you don't even have one," Sekai tells her off.

The guys in the invite-only lobby all react to that. Yeah, Sekai and Yukari both are wearing Bluetooth mics.

"And you have one, Sekai?" Yukari counters smugly.

Cue exaggerated reactions from the guys.

"Yeah, wanna see it? I'll wreck you good, bitch," the purple-eyed man growls at her.

"Just bring it!" Yukari yells back.

She reacts quicker when he lunged, reversing the grapple and pinned Sekai to the carpeted floor. She then roughly locks lips with him.

In the game, the mouths of Sekai and Yukari's game avatars move their mouths up and down as the microphones filtered rough moans and grunts and cries, as well as the wet smacking of lip on lip action. It made for an uncomfortable silence amongst the gang as they regrouped after re-spawning from their deaths; Sekai and Yukari spawned close to one another.

Muffled noises echo, likely the mics dropping from the couple back in the real world. Faint tearing of cloth is heard.

"Wait, are they having angry sex or something?" Vanoss questions aloud, really unsure as to what the hell was going on at the ends of Sekai and Yukari.

"Wow, this is the weirdest shit I have ever heard," said Delirious.

"And why did we invite them again?"

Vanoss answered, "I have no clue, Nogla. I'm starting to regret it..."

They were grouped together, and they stare at the direction of two stationary players.

"Now what?" said the pig.

There were a few moments of silence, as the muffled sounds of passion filters through the audio.

"Well, there's only one thing we can do, Wild Cat." Vanoss then starts the Jerk motion.

Twenty seconds later. "Ahh fuck it," said Delirious. He joins Vanoss in Jerking, and does a poor man's Krusty the Clown laugh expression.

And in the real world, Ran walks in on Yukari and Sekai with their clothes half-torn and just... being very rough with one another in an odd passionate way.

"Yukari-sama, Sekai, what the hell are you two doing?" the nine-tailed fox yōkai exclaims.

* * *

**This is the end.**

**Hope the story was enjoyable even if it was very weird and partly WTF-ery at the very end. Oh, I don't own the YouTube gents seen in this story. But do give their channels and their vids some viewing. They are funny and awesome.**

**And I have no idea as to where I was going with this plot. It's random as hell. Let's leave it at that. Kay?** :D


End file.
